


Five Times Tony Stark Tries to Kill Himself

by HeylelAndGoldenWings



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Anxiety, Cutting, Depression, M/M, PTSD, Sad!Tony, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, please heed the warnings, pure agnst, suicidal Tony stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 12:38:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15729564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeylelAndGoldenWings/pseuds/HeylelAndGoldenWings
Summary: and the one time he chooses not to.•••PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS!! ahhh I love you all so much and I don’t want you to ever feel like this!! if any of this stuff triggers you or upsets you PLEASE PLEASE don’t read it.





	Five Times Tony Stark Tries to Kill Himself

**Author's Note:**

> heed the warnings

  
  
Tony Stark is fifteen. He’s drunk off his ass, fresh out of a party. The walls spin, and the second he reaches the toilet he’s hacking up his insides. Still, even as the world clears and he his legs stop shaking, he feels strangely giddy. 

 

This is the first time Tony Stark discovers The Joys of Alcohol, and it surely is not the last. 

 

He rubs a hand over his face, eyes fluttering shut for a second. He wonders where Rhodey is momentarily, before pushing those thoughts away ( _ god damn, you’re not my fucking responsibly, Tony. _ (Rhodey’s words still echo loudly in his ears). Tony stares at the ceiling for a few moments, before standing and shuffling to the sink. 

 

He stares at himself in the mirror. Young. Handsome. (So everyone says.). His hair is a mess, but he kind of thinks that’s the way he likes it. He combs a hand through it and lets out a dissatisfied sigh, which turns into a sob. 

 

It’s tempting. 

 

The razor is right there, taunting, mocking,  _ teasing  _ him. And he wants. Oh, god, does he want. This way, he doesn’t  _ have  _ to be Rhodey’s responsibility. This way, he won’t  _ have  _ to listen to his father yell and yell and  _ yell.  _ This way he doesn’t have to worry about disappointing his mother. 

 

_ It’s really better for everyone _ , he thinks. 

 

He picks up the razor, and doesn’t even shed a single tear as it digs into his skin. 

  
  


\\\

 

Tony Stark is 21. He’s just heard the news that his parents have died.  _ Accident,  _ they said. He knows, somehow, deep down, that it wasn’t. But this way, pretending, it’s… it’s easier. He’s not sure he wants to know. 

 

Rhodey hugs him tightly for a few moments. Tony doesn’t want to cry. He’ll save that for later. He holds in his tears until Rhodey is gone, and when he is, Tony still waits. 

 

Waits until he’s holding the pill bottle. 

 

He lets out a whimper. A pathetic noise, ripped from his throat. And then the tears come, and Tony can’t help it; he lets out an ugly sob, and another, and another.  Guess he  _ really  _ doesn’t have to worry about disappointing his mother anymore, huh?

 

He laughs humorlessly at the thought, and then he feels his heart speed up and he knows he’s going to have a panic attack. 

 

He sinks to the floor, hands shaking dangerously.  He wants booze. He wants it bad. But it’s too far away now, so instead he just sits and waits for his panic to dry out. 

 

When it does, he pops open the pill bottle, and pours himself a handful. 

 

///

 

Tony Stark is 38. He’s just been kidnapped, there’s a car battery in his chest, and he’s Done For. 

 

Except he’s been here for  _ days _ , and he’s not dead yet. He waits. Just keeps waiting. Waiting to be rescued, waiting to be drowned.  That’s how his days go by. Sleep (barely) torture (harsh) work (diligently). 

 

Nobody comes, and Tony loses hope, if there ever even was hope. All he has now is Yinsen. 

 

Yinsen. 

 

Tony thinks he might be in love with Yinsen. Just a little bit. Because who else is there to love? And Tony  _ has  _ to love somebody, right?  Surely he can’t love any of his captors. So he  _ must  _ love Yinsen. 

 

He goes a little crazy in that cave. 

 

And he wakes up one night, and thinks,  _ why fight? _

 

So he takes a gun, and he tries to shoot himself. 

 

Turns he’s a really bad shot. 

 

////

 

Tony Stark is 42. He’s just met his childhood hero. The guy his father always  _ wanted  _ him to be. 

 

_ Some guy, huh? _

 

_ Really. You sure know how to pick ‘em, pops.  _

 

Tony lets out a deflated sigh. It’s okay. He’s used to this kind of thing. People hate to love him. It barely even bothers him at the time. 

 

Except… 

 

Then he gets to thinking. 

 

This is Captain America. He’s not some everyday civilian. He’s  _ the  _ Captain. Howling Commandos, Dead Best Friend, Stuck In Ice For 70 Years. That Captain. 

 

So yeah, definitely not some everyday civilian. 

 

And….

 

And  _ take that off and what are you? _

 

Nothing. Useless. Selfish. Merchant of Death. Murderer. 

 

Tony takes a long sip of whiskey. It burns on the way down, and he finds himself enjoying the sting.  He stares at the bar, at the many, many glasses of alcohol. 

 

_ Take that off and what are you? _

 

He wonders. Not a soldier. Surely not a soldier. He’d told Rogers as much. And yeah, Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist summed it up pretty well. Except that wasn’t even the  _ half of it.  _

 

Tony Stark throws his glass of whiskey against the wall, flinches at the crash it makes when it shatters. He crouches down to pick up a shard of glass. 

 

Maybe, he’ll succeed. He’s saved the world, right? Or at least Manhattan.  _ Let me die,  _ he pleads silently, to nobody. He’s done believing in God. The wormhole didn’t fucking work, so this  _ has to. Has to. Needs to.  _

 

He digs the glass into his skin.  Silent tears roll down his cheeks, but it’s a nice contrast to his burning hot skin. 

 

He’s so hot. 

 

It’s so fucking hot. 

 

(Turns out he’s sick, but just with the flu.  Not sick enough to die. And it’s just his luck that the glass doesn’t work either.)

 

/////

 

Tony Stark is 48…. and….

 

Turns out he’s not just the man who killed the Avengers. 

 

He’s the man that killed everybody else, too. 

 

He stares at the spot Peter used to be.  His chest feels empty, his arm is numb, and his breath is ragged. Nebula (he thinks that’s her name) is standing silently beside him. 

 

He doesn’t blame her. She lost a sister. He lost a son. Same difference. 

 

Tony leans back. He doesn’t know how he’s going to get back to earth. He doesn’t know if he  _ wants  _ to. 

 

Except…. except maybe when he does….

 

Maybe Steve will finish what he started. 

 

Maybe he’ll  _ really  _ kill Tony this time. 

 

Tony’s lips curl into a painful smile at the thought, and he stands on wobbly feet, not bothering to motion for Nebula to follow. She knows he’ll be back. And if he’s not? Doesn’t matter. 

 

He picks up a scrap of his armor, rough around the edges, and impales himself in the same spot Thanos had. 

 

Apparently it does matter to Nebula, because when Tony wakes up, he’s in a ship with Nebula leaning over him, wrapping his wound. 

 

/////

+1

 

Tony Stark thinks he’s going to be sick. That would be embarrassing. His stomach burns, and tears prickle at his eyes. It’s been… so long. So long. 

 

“Tony,” Steve breathes. “You’re… you’re alive.”

 

“Yeah,” Tony whispers, then let’s out a hysterical chuckle. “Yeah, I know. Sorry. Tried.. tried real hard to… y’know? Never works.”  He doesn’t know why he’s saying it. He can’t stop. 

 

Steve looks confused for one long moment, then his eyes widen in understanding. “Oh, Tony. Oh, no.”  

 

Tony doesn’t even have time to be scared, or back away, or push Steve.  It’s too quick. Steve is too quick. And one second he’s on the other side of the room, and the other his lips are pressed against Tony’s and he’s holding Tony close, still careful of his injuries, and Tony…

 

Tony feels  _ safe.  _

 

And he thinks that maybe if he can have this, life won’t be so bad after all. 

 


End file.
